So my depression has hit me harder than ever. It came out of nowhere. !!!!BAMM!!!! there it was. NO reason why that i can really come up with. May be a combination of many things.
- the loss of my studio
- the birth of my kids and the lack of sleep that follows(ed)
- my ex constantly bitching
- my WIFE constantly bitching
- money problems (i cant find work)
etc etc etc.
i have no single cause.
I have been seeking counselling and it has helped a bit. It helps to rant, bitch, talk and being talked to in return. But it hasnt really been taking me OUT of my depression.
Then I met this woman. The amazing, beautiful, unbelievable woman. She makes me smile, laugh, cry, growl, purr, insensibly mad and frustrated, incredibly loving and caring. She makes me LOVE!
by LOVE I dont mean the kind of love i have for my children or my wife. That is a love deeply rooted love that will never diminish.
No i mean a pure, undisturbed love that only comes along once in a life time! She makes my heart jump a beat when i think of her, makes me shy and helpless at times and yet instills a confidence in me I never knew I had. When i am with her I dont think about my problems. I dont think about the rigor of my daily life. ALL i think about is her and I and how to maximize the precious time we have for each other.
Minutes become hours, hours become days and yet when we part I feel like we only spend seconds. When I see her leave I am already yearning for her to return to my arms. Longing for her touch, her lips, her body and her MIND to challenge me in ways i have NEVER been challenged before.
She is my soulmate and I am not ashamed to say - other than my kids she is the love of my life.
On the outside nothing about our relationship is easy. After all I AM married. It is a HUGE strain mentally on both of us. But when i am with her I am FREE. I DONT think of my other life, as a husband and father. All I think about is how i can make this woman happy despite the complications of our relationship.
She has invigorated me. Has brought joy and excitement to my life and has given me a new lease on life I didnt think i would get again.
She has also rejuvenated my love for the fetish and kink life I used to live a LONG LONG time ago. I wasnt deeply involved in the lifestyle but I did enjoy several aspects of it. Mostly being dominant, spanking, flogging and mutual satisfaction. This woman has brought all that out and much much more - i have really exploded like a volcano. I am relearning and rediscovering as well as learning new and exciting ways to satisfy my woman and myself thru the amazing world of fetish and kink.
This will be the first of many posts about me and her and i cant wait to see where we go and how far we can take this amazing love that has engulfed both of us.
---- to be continued :D
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Monday, October 21, 2013
Time to pick up the Pen again - or the keyboard - whichever works!
Its been a long time since last I wrote ANYTHING, never mind a blog entry.
I really haven't had time nor energy to sit down on a regular basis and write. Between struggling to build a business and raising an ever growing family there just isn't enough hours in the day to write.
But then something happened- and although I have known about it for nearly all my life - it was never official. Until 3 weeks or so ago.
I was diagnosed with Severe Depression.
As I mentioned above - I have known for a long long time that I had depression. All the symptoms were there. Low energy, high level of procrastination, irritability, sudden onsets of severe sadness, reduced sex drive, severe insomnia, trouble concentrating, bad memory and frequent thoughts of death and suicide to name a few.
I had always been very good at both hiding and dealing with my depression without anyone noticing and/or anyone's help.
Then 14 years ago my dad passed suddenly. It really threw me for a loop. My family is very close, and although we argue lots as most families do, we are super close-nit. My dad was always the leader of the pack. We trusted him and his judgement to such a point that we never questioned any decisions he made. He was a true patriarch without being a despot.
And suddenly this leadership was gone.
Being the first born I felt it my obligation to pick up any slack I could - not easy when I live in Canada and the rest of my family lives in Europe! But I tried. At least emotionally! But there was nobody there for me - everyone in my immediate family was unable to help in their own grief and I didnt have anyone in my life at the time to share my thoughts with.
For many years I was living with a mental illness knowing I needed to seek help but unable to do so for many reasons. Most of them, in my own mind, very valid - yet really just excuses.
Then I became a father 5 years ago. It took a huge emotional and physical toll on me (and my ex-wife) to have this child. All you need to know is - my daughter was born through a surrogate mom. I was happy - at least for a short time. I always wanted to be a dad.
Then the divorce came. More stress. Not seeing my daughter every day was devastating to me. Yes, I am seeing her 2x a week and she's with me every second weekend but still - not the same.
I was lucky enough to meet my current wife shortly after my divorce. We were married 2 years later, have a wonderful daughter and are pregnant again.
We bought a house and I started my business. Everything seemed perfect!
But it wasn't/isnt. My depression returned with a bang! BIG bang!
At first I thought it was just being tired from my newborn not sleeping through the night and my new business venture.
But nothing changed. Far from it. Things deteriorated at a rapid pace. Serious insomnia, constant arguing with the wife, irritability with my children, stress at the business not bringing in any money (thus me not being able to contribute to the household) and our personal savings depleted took a major toll.
When I had serious thoughts of death and suicide, I decided to seek help.
I am now in Depression group therapy. It made me realize I need to change my daily behaviours to heal - or at least get on the path toward healing.
One of my personal favourite healing tools is writing. Other than photography, it is my second favourite hobby. I just forgot about its existence for a while.
Hopefully I can get over the procrastination that is associated with Depression and continue writing. Maybe not every day but 3x a week would be amazing.
Whatever it is I write about - doesn't matter. As long as I write.
If you happen to stumble upon this blog in your searches, forgive my rants, my at times atrocious English and whatever else needs forgiving.
cheers
I really haven't had time nor energy to sit down on a regular basis and write. Between struggling to build a business and raising an ever growing family there just isn't enough hours in the day to write.
But then something happened- and although I have known about it for nearly all my life - it was never official. Until 3 weeks or so ago.
I was diagnosed with Severe Depression.
As I mentioned above - I have known for a long long time that I had depression. All the symptoms were there. Low energy, high level of procrastination, irritability, sudden onsets of severe sadness, reduced sex drive, severe insomnia, trouble concentrating, bad memory and frequent thoughts of death and suicide to name a few.
I had always been very good at both hiding and dealing with my depression without anyone noticing and/or anyone's help.
Then 14 years ago my dad passed suddenly. It really threw me for a loop. My family is very close, and although we argue lots as most families do, we are super close-nit. My dad was always the leader of the pack. We trusted him and his judgement to such a point that we never questioned any decisions he made. He was a true patriarch without being a despot.
And suddenly this leadership was gone.
Being the first born I felt it my obligation to pick up any slack I could - not easy when I live in Canada and the rest of my family lives in Europe! But I tried. At least emotionally! But there was nobody there for me - everyone in my immediate family was unable to help in their own grief and I didnt have anyone in my life at the time to share my thoughts with.
For many years I was living with a mental illness knowing I needed to seek help but unable to do so for many reasons. Most of them, in my own mind, very valid - yet really just excuses.
Then I became a father 5 years ago. It took a huge emotional and physical toll on me (and my ex-wife) to have this child. All you need to know is - my daughter was born through a surrogate mom. I was happy - at least for a short time. I always wanted to be a dad.
Then the divorce came. More stress. Not seeing my daughter every day was devastating to me. Yes, I am seeing her 2x a week and she's with me every second weekend but still - not the same.
I was lucky enough to meet my current wife shortly after my divorce. We were married 2 years later, have a wonderful daughter and are pregnant again.
We bought a house and I started my business. Everything seemed perfect!
But it wasn't/isnt. My depression returned with a bang! BIG bang!
At first I thought it was just being tired from my newborn not sleeping through the night and my new business venture.
But nothing changed. Far from it. Things deteriorated at a rapid pace. Serious insomnia, constant arguing with the wife, irritability with my children, stress at the business not bringing in any money (thus me not being able to contribute to the household) and our personal savings depleted took a major toll.
When I had serious thoughts of death and suicide, I decided to seek help.
I am now in Depression group therapy. It made me realize I need to change my daily behaviours to heal - or at least get on the path toward healing.
One of my personal favourite healing tools is writing. Other than photography, it is my second favourite hobby. I just forgot about its existence for a while.
Hopefully I can get over the procrastination that is associated with Depression and continue writing. Maybe not every day but 3x a week would be amazing.
Whatever it is I write about - doesn't matter. As long as I write.
If you happen to stumble upon this blog in your searches, forgive my rants, my at times atrocious English and whatever else needs forgiving.
cheers
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