A new Life

So my depression has hit me harder than ever. It came out of nowhere. !!!!BAMM!!!! there it was. NO reason why that i can really come up with. May be a combination of many things.

- the loss of my studio
- the birth of my kids and the lack of sleep that follows(ed)
- my ex constantly bitching
- my WIFE constantly bitching
- money problems (i cant find work)
etc etc etc.

i have no single cause.

I have been seeking counselling and it has helped a bit. It helps to rant, bitch, talk and being talked to in return. But it hasnt really been taking me OUT of my depression.

Then I met this woman. The amazing, beautiful, unbelievable woman.  She makes me smile, laugh, cry, growl, purr, insensibly mad and frustrated, incredibly loving and caring. She makes me LOVE!

by LOVE I dont mean the kind of love i have for my children or my wife. That is a love deeply rooted love that will never diminish.

No i mean a pure, undisturbed love that only comes along once in a life time! She makes my heart jump a beat when i think of her, makes me shy and helpless at times and yet instills a confidence in me I never knew I had. When i am with her I dont think about my problems. I dont think about the rigor of my daily life. ALL i think about is her and I and how to maximize the precious time we have for each other.

Minutes become hours, hours become days and yet when we part I feel like we only spend seconds. When I see her leave I am already yearning for her to return to my arms. Longing for her touch, her lips, her body and her MIND to challenge me in ways i have NEVER been challenged before.

She is my soulmate and I am not ashamed to say - other than my kids she is the love of my life.

On the outside nothing about our relationship is easy. After all I AM married. It is a HUGE strain mentally on both of us. But when i am with her I am FREE. I DONT think of my other life, as a husband and father. All I think about is how i can make this woman happy despite the complications of our relationship.

She has invigorated me. Has brought joy and excitement to my life and has given me a new lease on life I didnt think i would get again.

She has also rejuvenated my love for the fetish and kink life I used to live a LONG LONG time ago. I wasnt deeply involved in the lifestyle but I did enjoy several aspects of it. Mostly being dominant, spanking, flogging and mutual satisfaction. This woman has brought all that out and much much more - i have really exploded like a volcano.  I am relearning and rediscovering as well as learning new and exciting ways to satisfy my woman and myself thru the amazing world of fetish and kink.

This will be the first of many posts about me and her and i cant wait to see where we go and how far we can take this amazing love that has engulfed both of us.

---- to be continued :D

Time to pick up the Pen again - or the keyboard - whichever works!

Its been a long time since last I wrote ANYTHING, never mind a blog entry.

I really haven't had time nor energy to sit down on a regular basis and write. Between struggling to build a business and raising an ever growing family there just isn't  enough hours in the day to write.

But then something happened- and although I have known about it for nearly all my life - it was never official. Until 3 weeks or so ago.

I was diagnosed with Severe Depression.

As I mentioned above - I have known for a long long time that I had depression. All the symptoms were there. Low energy, high level of procrastination, irritability, sudden onsets of severe sadness, reduced sex drive, severe insomnia, trouble concentrating, bad memory and frequent thoughts of death and suicide to name a few.

I had always been very good at both hiding and dealing with my depression without anyone noticing and/or anyone's help.

Then 14 years ago my dad passed suddenly. It really threw me for a loop. My family is very close, and although we argue lots as most families do, we are super close-nit. My dad was always the leader of the pack. We trusted him and his judgement to such a point that we never questioned any decisions he made. He was a true patriarch without being a despot.

And suddenly this leadership was gone.

Being the first born I felt it my obligation to pick up any slack I could - not easy when I live in Canada and the rest of my family lives in Europe! But I tried. At least emotionally!  But there was nobody there for me - everyone in my immediate family was unable to help in their own grief and I didnt have anyone in my life at the time to share my thoughts with.

For many years I was living with a mental illness knowing I needed to seek help but unable to do so for many reasons. Most of them, in my own mind, very valid - yet really just excuses.

Then I became a father 5 years ago. It took a huge emotional and physical toll on me (and my ex-wife) to have this child. All you need to know is - my daughter was born through a surrogate mom. I was happy - at least for a short time. I always wanted to be a dad.

Then the divorce came. More stress. Not seeing my daughter every day was devastating to me. Yes, I am seeing her 2x a week and she's with me every second weekend but still - not the same.

I was lucky enough to meet my current wife shortly after my divorce. We were married 2 years later, have a wonderful daughter and are pregnant again.

We bought a house and I started my business. Everything seemed perfect!

But it wasn't/isnt. My depression returned with a bang! BIG bang!

At first I thought it was just being tired from my newborn not sleeping through the night and my new business venture.
But nothing changed. Far from it. Things deteriorated at a rapid pace. Serious insomnia, constant arguing with the wife, irritability with my children, stress at the business not bringing in any money (thus me not being able to contribute to the household) and our personal savings depleted took a major toll.

When I had serious thoughts of death and suicide, I decided to seek help.

I am now in Depression group therapy. It made me realize I need to change my daily behaviours to heal  - or at least get on the path toward healing.

One of my personal favourite healing tools is writing. Other than photography, it is my second favourite hobby. I just forgot about its existence for a while.

Hopefully I can get over the procrastination that is associated with Depression and continue writing. Maybe not every day but 3x a week would be amazing.

Whatever it is I write about - doesn't matter. As long as I write.

If you happen to stumble upon this blog in your searches, forgive my rants, my at times atrocious English and whatever else needs forgiving.

cheers

Ladies - PLEASE DON'T bite my head off!!!

DISCLAIMER:

This post is an OBSERVATION......NOT a put down!!!! I am the first to walk in any demonstration for equality of the sexes - as long as its about EQUALITY!!! I truly believe in women's rights, though I am a little fed up with the fact that now I HAVE to go on the barricades to get even the simplest rights myself (such as equal parenting rights!!).

Actually, why is it that in our society the mother gets automatic "caregiver" of a child/children when parents separate? Don't I as a man have equal rights???

Anyway - I am writing about an observation I made that really bothers me.

In British Columbia, a law was introduced, that starting this May 2010, cell phones are no longer allowed to be used in cars, UNLESS you have a blue tooth or another hand-less setup.

This Law came into being because a study suggested that 95% of accidents are caused by cell phone use while driving.

I believe this law to be LONG overdue. It is seriously dangerous to drive while talking or texting. TOO many times have we read in the paper or heard on the news about this person dying or that person maimed because some idiot was not concentrating on driving!!!

NOW - I am not a hypocrite. I have also been guilty of texting while driving. I have on occasion checked email on my Iphone while driving a little faster than usual (OK - i admit i am a speeder). Yet, I am making a conscious effort NOT to do all these things. I NEVER talk on the phone while driving unless I have my blue tooth in my ear!!!

And here we come to my observation that will get me into hot waters with all female activists. OH WELL. So be it!!

Of all the people I still see NOT using blue tooth (and there is LOTS!), 95% are women!! Can someone tell me why it is so difficult for women to comprehend this LAW that is in effect since May AND is being promoted everywhere?

Women already have a reputation (albeit in many instances unjust) as BAD drivers! Talking on the phone while driving gives that reputation THAT much more credibility!!! I am sorry but it's true!!!! On more occasions than I can recall I have had a lot of bad words to say about a woman that was driving erratically because she was just to dumb to realize what she was doing.

I am 100% certain and aware that there are many men who are guilty of the same dumbness, but my observations found way more women guilty.

Anyway...as I said...just an observation. But one that scares me for my daughter and her kids, my life and that of my friends and family. One stupid person not watching the road can change a family's life in seconds!!!

You think Drunk Drivers are dangerous?? Try a person chatting on the phone!!!!

ADD and life with a disorder!!

I have been diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficiency Disorder).

I have always wondered how someone so intelligent (no its true..my IQ is very high!! LOL) has so much trouble with the basic functions of life. I have bad memory, I am very impulsive, I am constantly fatigued, I cant sit still, get easily bored and cant listen to a conversation without interrupting. Those are prime ADD symptoms.

I sort of diagnosed myself initially. After I was laid off I decided to attend a self-employment program through E.I. and was apprehensive about going back to "school". So I looked back at my life and realized something isn't right.

I grew up in Germany and the German school system is tough. I MEAN TOUGH!!

I remember having at least 10 different prime subjects per high school year (such as Math, Latin, German, Physics, Chemistry, French etc), and than some electives (such as Music, Social Studies and Economics).

I was always interested in certain subjects and did extremely well in those. Especially History, Economics, PhyEd, Geography, English, any social studies really, even Biology I excelled in.

But I couldn't get a D (!) in Math if I'd study for 1 week without sleep. I couldn't get a D (!) in Latin if I had been born with the language. And there were many more. I struggled to pass my years from the moment I hit Grade 2 really. Looking back I think I was just bored with school in Germany. It's rigid! I mean "concentration camp" rigid!!!! I am NOT joking here!!!

Back in my days you were still slapped in the kisser or pulled up by your ears if you did something the teacher didn't appreciate (like reading comics under the table..lol).

I rebelled against that rigidness. And I paid for it dearly. I was expelled. After sitting out 2 years in business school where I again struggled mightily, my dad arranged for me to go to Berlin and enter an apprenticeship program.

I did extremely well at the practical part for the apprenticeship but failed miserably at the theoretical part. School again. Only the effort of a family friend, whom I love like a father, helped me pass.

I than moved to Canada.

Instinctively I have learned to live with the disorder, and now - in my 44th year of living - I am finally at peace knowing that all my struggles in life did not come from being an idiot savant but by suffering from a disorder that in the days of my childhood was barely known never mind diagnosed.

Treatment has started and with GODs will and some luck I will be fine. I don't think I will ever be healed. But I will live with my disorder and embrace it as part of who I am!

And I think I am pretty darn awesome!!!! (lol)

Finding Time to write - or the lack of, really!!!

DEAR BLOG,

I have been neglecting you while writing my daughters. That is wrong. For the 3 people that look at my ranting (you know who you are) but also for me and of course for you, my faithful companion for a few years now.

Writing and my photography have always been the 2 most prominent stress relievers of my life. More the photography really but I still love writing. So maybe, just maybe I remember that you exist, at least once in a while :-0

OK - I just had a "Secrets of the YA-YA sisterhood" moment and have to admit I like it. As I said, I like writing and miss it. But life come in between what you love and what needs doing and what you love must take a step back.

Over the last 9 months or so since last I wrote anything substantial my life has turned upsy-turvy in a way I would never have thought possible. I separated from my wife, lost my job, decided to go the self-employment/entrepreneur route, met someone I "kinda like a lot" **wink**", and rediscovered my love for life.

So here we go, a new start in my blogger life. I will try and write one entry a week at least. Lets see where that leads us!!!!

Shalom

Today is November 11 - the Day we remember those that have given their lives to protect our freedom, our way of life and our future.

While in Germany this day marks the beginning of "Fasching (Karnival)", a time for parties and celebrations, we remember and celebrate those that were killed by War and Terror.

As an FYI - for those that dont know - I am Jewish. Born and bred in Germany as a Jew. PROUD to be Jewish!!

60 years ago, thousands of young Canadian, British, US, French, Polish soldiers and soldiers of numerous other countries fought and died to preserve my right to BE Jewish.

Actually, without their sacrifice, I may not be here and thus neither would be my daughter, or my brother and his daughter.

You see, my mom's family hails from Poland. From a little Staettel (village) from near what is now called Ivano-Frankovsk, Ukraine. They were orthodox Jews, miller's to be exact. My grandfather, grandmother and Uncle survived the war under the most difficult circumstances and by the skin of their teeth. They hid in the woods, survived a Nazi termination squad by the fact that Germans quit working at 5pm (or so the story was told to me) and lived in constant fear of being deported to concentration camps. We lost numerous family member in those Concentration Camps or lingering in Ghettoes throughout Poland and Germany.

I hope that one day my daughter will read this and understand that without the sacrifice of the soldiers of the world, who fought in World Wars I and II and all the subsequent wars since 1945, willing to give their lives to free the world from terror, she would not be alive.

So, to all the families of those who fell and the soldiers who fought and still fight, no matter the war, no matter the place:

THANK YOU!

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
(Lt.Col. Dr. John McCrae 1872-1918)
the picture above is copyrighted to ME - Mark K. (yes i took it!)

Ending a relationship

There come a time in one's life when the most difficult decision become even more difficult when it involves those you love.

This decision is not a spur-of-the-moment decision but a well thought out, beat-yourself-up-over-and-over, heart wrenching decision that shouldn't have to be but needs to be made nonetheless.

Such a decision has been made.

My wife and I have decided to separate.

I will not go into details on this blog as this is, with all due respect to all of you who read our blogs and are our friends, a private matter that belongs to us, not the world. Lets just say that it has been a long time coming and has been a decision that is best for our daughter and us.

Especially our daughter.

We have decided that the best way to separate is amicably and as friends. After all we shared the same life for the last 7 years. The baby will continue to enjoy both our love to the fullest although both Baby and I will have to get used to the fact we wont see each other every day.

For now I will continue our other blog, though I wont be as frequent as I would like to. I will continue to haunt my wife for updates, pictures and anything else I will miss while not around my fdaughter and of course I will have my time with her too - lots of it (part of the deal!)

Please do not feel sorry for us. As I mentioned, it was a long time coming.

We are of excellent health, love our daughter and each other. So no need to feel sorry for us.

Shalom (Peace)