Time to pick up the Pen again - or the keyboard - whichever works!

Its been a long time since last I wrote ANYTHING, never mind a blog entry.

I really haven't had time nor energy to sit down on a regular basis and write. Between struggling to build a business and raising an ever growing family there just isn't  enough hours in the day to write.

But then something happened- and although I have known about it for nearly all my life - it was never official. Until 3 weeks or so ago.

I was diagnosed with Severe Depression.

As I mentioned above - I have known for a long long time that I had depression. All the symptoms were there. Low energy, high level of procrastination, irritability, sudden onsets of severe sadness, reduced sex drive, severe insomnia, trouble concentrating, bad memory and frequent thoughts of death and suicide to name a few.

I had always been very good at both hiding and dealing with my depression without anyone noticing and/or anyone's help.

Then 14 years ago my dad passed suddenly. It really threw me for a loop. My family is very close, and although we argue lots as most families do, we are super close-nit. My dad was always the leader of the pack. We trusted him and his judgement to such a point that we never questioned any decisions he made. He was a true patriarch without being a despot.

And suddenly this leadership was gone.

Being the first born I felt it my obligation to pick up any slack I could - not easy when I live in Canada and the rest of my family lives in Europe! But I tried. At least emotionally!  But there was nobody there for me - everyone in my immediate family was unable to help in their own grief and I didnt have anyone in my life at the time to share my thoughts with.

For many years I was living with a mental illness knowing I needed to seek help but unable to do so for many reasons. Most of them, in my own mind, very valid - yet really just excuses.

Then I became a father 5 years ago. It took a huge emotional and physical toll on me (and my ex-wife) to have this child. All you need to know is - my daughter was born through a surrogate mom. I was happy - at least for a short time. I always wanted to be a dad.

Then the divorce came. More stress. Not seeing my daughter every day was devastating to me. Yes, I am seeing her 2x a week and she's with me every second weekend but still - not the same.

I was lucky enough to meet my current wife shortly after my divorce. We were married 2 years later, have a wonderful daughter and are pregnant again.

We bought a house and I started my business. Everything seemed perfect!

But it wasn't/isnt. My depression returned with a bang! BIG bang!

At first I thought it was just being tired from my newborn not sleeping through the night and my new business venture.
But nothing changed. Far from it. Things deteriorated at a rapid pace. Serious insomnia, constant arguing with the wife, irritability with my children, stress at the business not bringing in any money (thus me not being able to contribute to the household) and our personal savings depleted took a major toll.

When I had serious thoughts of death and suicide, I decided to seek help.

I am now in Depression group therapy. It made me realize I need to change my daily behaviours to heal  - or at least get on the path toward healing.

One of my personal favourite healing tools is writing. Other than photography, it is my second favourite hobby. I just forgot about its existence for a while.

Hopefully I can get over the procrastination that is associated with Depression and continue writing. Maybe not every day but 3x a week would be amazing.

Whatever it is I write about - doesn't matter. As long as I write.

If you happen to stumble upon this blog in your searches, forgive my rants, my at times atrocious English and whatever else needs forgiving.

cheers